ICC also dances to ECB's tunes

Englishmen and other classifications of two legged creatures trolled different parts of the world where people were killed for no reason, for no mistakes of their own. And Englishmen made rules for others, none for themselves.

Fast Forward to 21st century cricket, and ICC is being tossed around like a volleyball between BCCI's money basket and ECB's law-makers.

Don't sush me now, had some Yusuf Pathan played the switch hit, he would've been banned for life by ICC... Just because a part blonde Saffer on English soil did so, he was ogled at and handed the benefit of inventing a legal shot.

Fast Forward...

Broad gets away with like gazillions of accusations with not even a trip to the match referee's room. Sure, my teacher wouldn't scold a girl as much as a boy for the same offence, but things had gone too far. Beefy once went on air, pulled the camera to his face and said, what would in lay man's terms would mean, "no matter whose son you may be, you appeal to the umpire and not your nanny sitting behind fine leg. And you are not the umpire, just in case you forgot."

Oh, but uncle Broad...the saviour of British hind-part.

Swann today kicks the stumps, and is "reprimanded", no fine, no serious imposition of any ICC blah blah blah section blah blah blah by-law. A level one offence. I'm told it's his 2nd serious offence, and is bound to head to a fine.

I know ECB is poor, and is looking way to cut cost, but I don't think this is one of the way. That wife of ICC.

And if he did want to play footy, the Forests' stadium is just across the street. Nobody at Trent Bridge cricket stadium needs to watch a cricketer show some footy skills on a piece of wood that is not even round.

If Sreesanth had to pay fine for kicking the boundary ropes, if all batsmen around the world have to pay a fine for staring at the umpire for 2 seconds after being given out, if bowlers can't bowl for taking 3 steps on soil, then my rule book of cricketing sense says Swann's gotta be sued in a much stricter manner.

I wonder how kicking a rope is more dangerous to the spirit of the game than kicking the stump.

And just how beautifully explained that Window-Gate was! ECB does have capable ghost writers.

And Staurt Broad appeals more than Panesar and Akram and Muralitharan and Inzi put together. If that arse doesn't get a fine and ban imposed on him, you don't bloody have the right to call the fine on whopping 6 Indians. Mike Denness banned 6 Indians for atleast 1 test for "excessive appealing" in South Africa, while cheekily making sure the darn Englishmen can have an easy time in their tour of India while half the team (whole top order) sits out, banned. The man whom India feared a lot in those days is now playing only domestic cricket because the retard can't stand international pressure. And Denness wanted to cover for a team made of that? And Freddie's hairy chest he bared at the end of that tour? (duly repaid)

Quoting ex-Indian cricketer and current TN coach, W.V. Raman "Denness should go down in cricket history as a person who achieved the impossible."

Dear Uncle Broad, baby Barbie and useless, penniless, jobless, wusses ECB... get a life. Be a man, if you can be. Else, you are no better than #BleddyBCCI and its shenanigans.

Jelly beans? You sissies need cotton candies.

10 reasons why you can't be as good as Devendra Bishoo

10 reasons why you aren't and can't be as good as Devendra Bishoo...not even half as good.



1. You are not a leg spinner who developed skills in the land of fast bowlers.

2. You are not a young bowler who replaced the Big Benn. Nobody does that. Bishoo does.

3. Your name isn't half as fun to lend an ear as it is when Tony Cozier says DayWayneDraw Bishwho.

4. You haven't made an epic debut in a World Cup.

5. Your can't possibly give a better interview in-front of a world audience and reduce Nasser Hussain's probing abilities to ashes, like the one in the urn he never earned n his career of 5 Ashes series.



If you haven't lost all the respect for yourself, read on...

6. You can't wear a smile on your face after losing twice in 2 games in the world cup and say that you are actually sad that the team didn't win. Some people break TVs and window panes for just getting out like idiots.

7. You are not a Caribbean. So, you are obviously not as cool as Bishoo.

8. You are not a no.11 batsman with a batting average of 17.20 .

9 & 10. You can't fly. You cannot fly. That seals the deal. Twice.



Look, even your frisbee feels ashamed.

Now, bow down to the legend.

Times Change, Cricket made to change.

DRS, World Cup silver lining for the associate nations and some ODI complications were some of the things that have been finalised upon in the first 2 days of the ICC board meeting in Hong Kong.

ICC has made "modified" UDRS mandatory in all tests and ODIs. Modification? HotSpot and audio tracking are mandatory, while hawk-eye is going to be optional. So, if you see India playing in the series/tournament, don't expect hawk-eye in it.

So, it is clear there won't be hawk-eye in place for the series in England. And that renders any line call vs lbw decisions non-referable. So, if the umpire calls it outside the leg tough it pitched in line, the bowler can only swear at himself and move on, of course that swearing will earn him a trip to the match referee's room for breaching laws 1.23.4.24 and 2.124.34.534.34. Similar conditions for the batsmen in a different scenario.

So, how is the umpire going to know where it pitched or had the impact with the pad if the ball-tracker is not trust worthy? Remember those days when there was no hawkeye, and the TV telecast production company would just show the replay, and when the ball hits the pad, they would make the batsman's image go translucent so you could see the stumps behind him? Why not just go back to that and get rid of all the complications with ball tracking devices. Refer the close lbw decisions to 3rd umpire and ask him to take that decision. As for the edge, you have approximately 235325 cameras in the cricket ground for every angle, and then you have the hot-spot cameras in all directions. Did I miss anything?

The ICC decides to hold a qualifier for the 10-team 2015 World Cup, to be held just before the tournament I feel. I don't have more details to add to it right now, not sure how many teams will fight for it, how many spots will be made vacant for grabs after deciding upon the number of teams that get automatic qualification into the World Cup. This has made the word "world" buy a little more meaning into it, nevertheless.

Now, to some other changes that have been brought in.

No runners. Batsmen will not be allowed the comfort of using a runner to run for him during the course of the match. Even if one of his leg break into two and his team needs two to win off the last ball of the game. He has to do that on one leg. If the ICC can look at what I'm trying to say, that decision must be changed.

Powerplay overs can only be employed within the 16th and 40th over. Maybe some day they will make it mandatory to be used between overs 20 and 30.

Captains will be suspended if they breach the over-rate twice. Used to be three earlier. With so many confusions and complications, I have no idea how many would want to lead their side in ODIs from now on. There are so many factors that are bound to waste your time.

And here comes the icing on the cake. Or whatever.
There will be two balls used in every innings of an ODI. One from each end. ICC says that will help sustain the swing on the ball for a longer period of time. This has effectively removed spinners out of the equation for ODIs. As it is they are made to bend to the ugly T20. Now, there is never going to be an old ball. There were times when spinners would come in around the 15th to 20th over and carry on to the early 40s. I can't imagine what kind of bowling is to be witnessed now on. More of dart spinners...

Not like pitches made around the world support any swing. The subcontinent is just a dust bowl. Pakistan plays its games in the UAE, dust of dust bowls. Only a few stadiums in England, SA, Australia support swing, very few. NZ tracks have been nothing like they were before the 2003 WC. And WI pitches are dead corpse, given what they used to be.

A ball for each end my foot.
25 overs per end. So, assuming you want one of your opening bowler to finish the innings off (which would need him to bowl from the other end for the last over), you will need atleast two bowlers to bowl from both ends at different points of time. Or one, if you have that many bowling options. Now, the field has to shine two different balls, take care of 4 sides of balls, learn the science of two different balls. I won't be surprised if there are ten more Trescothics and Yardys in the next 5 years.

God save cricket. That fat lady is coughing.

Life of a Tracer Bullet

She had to wait for 15 minutes outside the bathroom, made to listen to some mumbling noises from inside, and after a few irritated knocks, the man appears, with his toothbrush held in his right hand like a microphone and yapping "I just get the feeling that tooth has got to give."

Mrs Bullet has been having such trouble for ages, and says it has peaked now, because Mr Tracer Bullet is utterly bored after his stints at the world cup and then at the Fancy Dress Cricket League, popularly knows as I-P-L.

He appears at the breakfast table wearing a suit, looking at the 1985 model of video camera placed on the showcase looking over the dining table and say out loud "ARE.YOU.REAAAADYYYY? I just get the feeling sun is out, and it's going to be a cracker of a contest." Mrs Bullet was not sure if Polly wanted a cracker or breakfast.

She recalled, when 2 weeks ago the kid and her friend were having a fight over the breakfast table, he stopped the two, flipped a coin and asked one of them to call heads or tails. And went to the winner of the toss with a spoon as a mic and asked "So, what will you do today? Any changes in the team?"

He kept pestering the maid who was washing utensils until one of his "That's a cracker" finally made her drop a plate and crack it. And he retorted, "nothing can be done, that fell down as straight as an arrow. The umpire has raised his finger."

Once the offended maid was gone, Mrs Bullet made him do the dishes, but she realized her grave mistake as he started throwing the kitchen sink for 3 days in a row.

He always makes sure that he cleans one half of the house, and says emphatically, "See, there is shine on one side and rough on the other. What this does it, it will generate some swing. All you have to do is bowl straight, bowl full and let the ball do the rest." Mrs bullet dejectedly said, "he never did the rest" and pointed out piles of dust on one side of the living room...

He does love to watch movies. Less of tamil, and even less if it is a Vijaykanth movie. He hates Vijaykanth, because he is the one man tracer bullets fear.

Mrs Bullet says he also likes to cook. He adds random ingredients and teaches anyone who would lend their ear "what this does is, it will make the going smooth." And as a good father, he always tells his kid "make no mistake", a local version of "do the right thing" or "be a man".

He has a few cats, and lets them amongst the pigeons every evening. Most of the irritated pigeons have already left his household for different reasons. One of them agreed told us, "we used to have a nice time until the recent times. We had a nest over the Air Conditioner outside his bedroom. But we found that it was not a peaceful place to like, as that man would suddenly get up in the middle of the night and scream at the top of his voice 'DHOOOOOOOONIIIIIIII' and get back to sleep. We are all woken up, and people in the neighbourhood put on their lights and after that it is very difficult to sleep, you know. We are moving to LSK's home. He sings well."

Tracer Bullet's favourite festival is Holi, he says, as he happily recalls that ever since his childhood he would carry the water pistol in his hands and run from door to door firing on all their cooking gas cylinders.

He goes out to eat with his friends every Saturday night. Most of them got their PhD from American universities, and a couple of them were medical practitioners. If he is unable to make his mind up on what to order that night, he would just tell the waiter "I'll have just what the doctors ordered", and keep eating till something gets to give. It's mostly the patience of the people at the restaurant.

So, as the lights are put out, no guns are left to blaze, Mr Tracer goes to bed with a phoney mic on one hand and "Best IPL Commentator Award" in the other. And Mrs Bullet whispers, "Oh God I hope they take him away to England in July."

Boom Boom, May You Forever Bloom.

Fifteen years ago, when you came on to the field with a bat in your hand, a handsome teenager for the girls to drool, a well build boy for the guys to expect some style, a confidence waiting to overflow from the tip of youth, I knew I had a new hero to admire.

When you started your career with a clean deposition over the cow corner, there started a new era of hard hitting, that no Ricardo Powell or Kris Shrikanth had seen. You made history that very day, didn't you? October 4th, 1996, Nairobi. A record that is placed well above the reach of any human, on the shelves of greatness.

You stand tall. You stand bold. You stand strong.

Geoff Boycott ridiculed your age, people ridiculed your consistency, haters ridiculed you just because they weren't good enough to be you.

You feared none, all could, but, fear you on the pitch.

I remember you taking a test away from India. I also remember you chasing down a mammoth Motera target. I remember you not for chasing it down, but for the courage you had in the game. Being hit by a short ball from Irfan Pathan, you cared not to feel shoulders, which for any other lesser mortal could've been a serious blow, but to you my dear Pathan, you gave him one snarled look and deposited the next delivery beyond the ropes.

You, are one of my cricketing darlings.

Your batting form dropped, but you were always the team man. Your bowling soon came on to the front and you led the spin attack in the hazy days past the Mushi-Saqi days. Ajmals and Rehmans come and go. Kaneria refrained from the white ball. But you held on to one end, day in night out.

Doe any other bowler have a better celebration than you on taking a wicket? NO. Standing firm, hands aloft, you bring the world to you. You are the magnet in the team, for most of the Pakistani fans. Oh dear o dear, I will miss that.



People expected you to just be a crash test driver, you came out to be a formula racer. You were better than what I wished for.

You brought in Aamer right into a world cup, backed him up like he was your brother. You gave him the love and space the kid needed to make it large under the world's eyes. You made him a match winner. You cautioned his caretakers to keep him safeguarded from evils like Mazhar Majeed when you left test cricket, but they never listened, and there went Aamer.

You led Pakistan in the world cup from the front. With the ball. You took the most wickets on cricket's biggest stage. You marshaled a side of tid-bits, a side of jigsaw clues that were strewn all over the floor. You brought them together, wrapped them into a tight unit and took them as far as you could.

The semi-final defeat was my saddest game in the world cup. But, you will always be a champ in my eyes.

You started your career with Rameez Raja, Waqar Younis, Jayasurya, Muralitharan, Dharmasena and the likes. Raza covered your games on the mic, Waqar became your coach, Sanath was the appreciator in the studios, Muralitharan ended his career before yours. You started your career with a six off Dharmasena, and ended it when Dharmasena became an umpire, even officiated your game(s) in the last world cup. Time may have changed, not you. You remained the same stylish big hitting cricketer with a beautiful leg-spin armory.

I wish you stayed with international cricket for longer. But I also wish you, as a human being, would live in peace. So, I guess you made the best decision and are now a free bird, free from the clumsy foul grips of the PCB.

May you have a good future in whatever you venture into. May God bless you like always.

If you, Sahibzada Mohammad Shahid Khan Afridi, happen to read this, please know that I love you from the deepest depth of my cricketing heart.

With a tear in my eye, for the first time in such a case since Dada's retirement, I admit, I will miss you.