Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Life of a Tracer Bullet

She had to wait for 15 minutes outside the bathroom, made to listen to some mumbling noises from inside, and after a few irritated knocks, the man appears, with his toothbrush held in his right hand like a microphone and yapping "I just get the feeling that tooth has got to give."

Mrs Bullet has been having such trouble for ages, and says it has peaked now, because Mr Tracer Bullet is utterly bored after his stints at the world cup and then at the Fancy Dress Cricket League, popularly knows as I-P-L.

He appears at the breakfast table wearing a suit, looking at the 1985 model of video camera placed on the showcase looking over the dining table and say out loud "ARE.YOU.REAAAADYYYY? I just get the feeling sun is out, and it's going to be a cracker of a contest." Mrs Bullet was not sure if Polly wanted a cracker or breakfast.

She recalled, when 2 weeks ago the kid and her friend were having a fight over the breakfast table, he stopped the two, flipped a coin and asked one of them to call heads or tails. And went to the winner of the toss with a spoon as a mic and asked "So, what will you do today? Any changes in the team?"

He kept pestering the maid who was washing utensils until one of his "That's a cracker" finally made her drop a plate and crack it. And he retorted, "nothing can be done, that fell down as straight as an arrow. The umpire has raised his finger."

Once the offended maid was gone, Mrs Bullet made him do the dishes, but she realized her grave mistake as he started throwing the kitchen sink for 3 days in a row.

He always makes sure that he cleans one half of the house, and says emphatically, "See, there is shine on one side and rough on the other. What this does it, it will generate some swing. All you have to do is bowl straight, bowl full and let the ball do the rest." Mrs bullet dejectedly said, "he never did the rest" and pointed out piles of dust on one side of the living room...

He does love to watch movies. Less of tamil, and even less if it is a Vijaykanth movie. He hates Vijaykanth, because he is the one man tracer bullets fear.

Mrs Bullet says he also likes to cook. He adds random ingredients and teaches anyone who would lend their ear "what this does is, it will make the going smooth." And as a good father, he always tells his kid "make no mistake", a local version of "do the right thing" or "be a man".

He has a few cats, and lets them amongst the pigeons every evening. Most of the irritated pigeons have already left his household for different reasons. One of them agreed told us, "we used to have a nice time until the recent times. We had a nest over the Air Conditioner outside his bedroom. But we found that it was not a peaceful place to like, as that man would suddenly get up in the middle of the night and scream at the top of his voice 'DHOOOOOOOONIIIIIIII' and get back to sleep. We are all woken up, and people in the neighbourhood put on their lights and after that it is very difficult to sleep, you know. We are moving to LSK's home. He sings well."

Tracer Bullet's favourite festival is Holi, he says, as he happily recalls that ever since his childhood he would carry the water pistol in his hands and run from door to door firing on all their cooking gas cylinders.

He goes out to eat with his friends every Saturday night. Most of them got their PhD from American universities, and a couple of them were medical practitioners. If he is unable to make his mind up on what to order that night, he would just tell the waiter "I'll have just what the doctors ordered", and keep eating till something gets to give. It's mostly the patience of the people at the restaurant.

So, as the lights are put out, no guns are left to blaze, Mr Tracer goes to bed with a phoney mic on one hand and "Best IPL Commentator Award" in the other. And Mrs Bullet whispers, "Oh God I hope they take him away to England in July."


  1. Epic post :D

    I get a feeling that this post will do his confidence a world of good :P