Sunday, May 29, 2011

IPL Bites. And chews and spits.

So, the IPL4 saga, drama and etc etc got over yesterday night so that everyone bored of it can tune in to UEFA Champs League, some real international cricket, cup-board cleaning, driving classes, college applications, eating, bathing etc etc... As in my case, I was asleep even before it ended, as the pointless Lankan seamers and nonthreatening Lankan spinners motored their way to the dressing room at the end of the day with only Jimmy-A's wicket to celebrate (for which England were thankful) after which I slept off.

Oops, wrong match to report?

Oh yeah, the men in yellow won the IPL for the 2nd time running. CSK, in my serious opinion have been the only team wanting to play proper cricket, have had a clear vision and have done well ever since they disposed off the actor Vijay as their cheerleader. I mean, ambassador. The cheerleaders' squad they picked up from Spencers Plaza two hours before their matches got some good camera time. So did MSD's Lady.

Ravichandran Ashwin is signing a contract with WWE after the English tour. He has, till now, survived a blow to his head by the costly guy named Saurabh Tiwary, and also wrestled himself alive after being mobbed by his teammates on dismissing Gayle. "He would do well in 3 on 1 matches, tag team matches and Lumberjack Matches" quoted Vince McMahon, owner of WWE.

For the 4th time in four years, Mumbai "Indians" fans are bamboozled that IPL did not come to them, in spite of playing Chachin in all their games. KKR did their best to take MI as far as they got, but a certain left arm spinner (indistinguishable from the 234 other left arm spinners that played in the IPL) got the wicket of Chachin. Investigations reveal that the spinner's name is Syed Mohammed, and an inquiry has been lodged to unearth the celebrations he performed after dismissing Chachin, which were obviously against the law.

Gabriella Pasqualotto has vowed to return to IPL5 as a "Podcast" presenter. She is sure that she knows more about players than newbies like Shibani, who apparently asked Venkatesh Prasad on screen "So, you are the assistant coach, right?". After Donna Symmonds, cricket might want to listen to Gabriella the most.

Priety Zinta and Shilpa Shetty were cleared by "Cricket for Dumbos" tuition center as "People with knowledge of cricket". Both were able to answer who was their respective team's captain. Amongst other questions were "how many arms are raised when the umpire signals a batsman out?", for which Zinta had written a couple of sheets' length of answer. The invigilator refused to supply her additional sheet. Shilpa answered most questions right, and some examiners feel that she received illegal help from Liz Hurley with those questions. Anyway, this season Zinta was able to figure out on her own about whom to hug.

Rohit Sharma was as usual awake as soon as his IPL alarm clock rang the bell. He is the Kumbhakarna of IPL, the bear of IPL, waking after a hibernation. This time, he came closest to performing for India, by performing for Indians. The Mumbaikar variety. Of course, he showed his class, when he thought his super-IPL-man character should be taken one step higher. He wanted to score runs by now depositing the bat beyond the ropes. His attempt didn't succeed, as the bat barely reached the inner circle. Shane Warne, however, was playing the real cricket, and his penultimate ball in cricket (unless book cricket becomes official) turned and stuck its tongue out in front of Rohit Sharma as it beat his flying bat and (In Ravi Shastri's glorious words ->) "the keeper made no mistake".

This IPL will be most remembered for the contribution of Abhishek Nayar to world harmony, as he gave the scorecard a "c. Symonds b. Harbhajan". There, IPL should've been ended right then.

Some players are still confused about which team they play for. Dada went to Pune, and helped KKR reach playoffs (I had to strike off quarters, and semis, before finally remembering that it is "playoffs"). And then Balaji, in KKR, helped CSK reach 2nd spot. Random Fact - Lord Balaji's abode is closer to Chennai than it is to Kolkata.

Gayle gave his folks a preview of Pirates of Caribbean *fill in the blank with the current sequel number* as he vandalized his ex-home. Of course, that match will be more remembered for the look on Virat Kohli's face when, with few runs left to win and Gayle at the brink of his century, Kohli absolutely smacked the living hell of a half tracker lolly pop jujubi giftwrapped Christmas present from Iqbal Abdullah to the mid wicket fence and wore a horror struck face in apology to the huge figure of black-bandana-wearing non-smiling 6 foot 5 inch giant Chris Gayle standing few yards away and say "I didn't mean to do that". Come on, Kohli, we love you. But, for your cricket, "catching" Bollywood is for guys like Siddharth Mallya etc.

Kochi seemed to have had discovered their winning formula - by making Sreesanth their cheerleader. Somehow, even that didn't help them after a few games.

Pune Warriors, like their Marathi counterpart, added "India(n)" to their franchise name. But, even that addition couldn't help them score brownie points in the INDIAN PL.

Deccan had a record breaking season, by breaking the home jinx and securing a win against some team (which I hope one of my readers would remind me ;-) ). The DJ at the stadium was so happy to play the "Go Deccan Chargers, go Deccan Chargers, GO, go go go!" for three consecutive days in the stadium non-stop. He knew it was never coming back, might as well savour the moment "until it lasts".

In other news, Lalit Modi claimed to be Adrian Shankar's father, Jason Gillespie claimed to be his batting coach, Zinta revealed that she was his girl-friend and Siddhu (ex)claimed that he was his English tutor.

Right, so a friend came to me this morning and told me that Valthaty got that Passat. He will be busy getting his driver's license. MSD will be off to the honeymoon, in a place that doesn't recognize him as King Midas. Caribbean cricketers will be given red jerseys. Jacob Oram will be given a Nokia phone to feel connected. And Abhimanyu Mithun will re-trace his path and find out why he made the grave mistake of being a bowler.

Some time soon, Vijay Mallya will recover from his hangover and realize RCB have lost the IPL4 finals.

[Disclaimer : My brain is parked outside the SWALEC stadium in Cardiff, where Alistair Cook is trying to impress his selectors and try to book a berth in England's ODI squad.]


  1. Vijay ye thukitangala chollave illa

  2. Nice read :) I wish there is a "super duper like" button for blogs also :)
    Too Good!!! :)

  3. wrong... after donna symonds cricket wants to listen to archana the most.... how can u get this basic fact wrong....??

  4. With the facts that Gabrielle is willing to offer, you might ignore Archana :-D

  5. one of my favorites was this... at the end of a match, after a pointless post-match conversation with sunny this bimbo declares "when we come back will go directly to the toss"